Day 13 – SuperMom is a Choice

Yoga Dog

10 Day Reward Flowers

Having a bad day? Watch a video about pets “helping” their owners do yoga. Good for one of those can’t breathe, tears roll down your face funny things. In real life, not really funny, but when your emotions are at their peak, just gets stupid hilarious.

Having my treats in order yesterday was a fantastic idea. Somehow when my kitchen is not picked up I don’t want to order pizza. It feels like I have two problems. One – a messy counter. Two – ordering out is a failure at being a good Mom.

Good Parents make all homemade meals and take out is a treat. Bad Parents feed their kids take out ALL THE TIME because they are a failure. Where in the world did this screwy logic come from?!?

A short article piece once asked what was your favorite meal as a kid? One woman responded that her mother never, truly never, cooked. The two of them ate every meal out. Even toast and coffee in the morning. She said it was a wonderful experience because she had her mother’s full attention at every meal. Her mother didn’t grocery shop or do dishes. EVER. Doesn’t this sound amazingly cool!

I think the part that calls to me is the Mom’s attitude of – I choose my life. I choose to focus on my daughter. I choose to enjoy all the things that good food and good service make me feel. I do not choose to be SuperMom. I am a super Mom because I love myself. I choose a path that supports me.

Since I was 17 and in college, drinking every night has been my lifestyle choice. Focused on getting to the end of the day so I can relax with some wine has been my choice for 34 years.

There are tons of other rewards and treats out there. Far out treats. Crazy treats. Question how you’ve done everything treats. I’m kinda tired trying to be SuperMom.

Treat thoughts:

• Flowers were fun!
• Take out was a great plan for a hectic day.
•  Tea  must quit picking this as a reward, just don’t go for it
•  A second cup of coffee – yep!
•  Road Trip – just a teeny tiny one
•  Video game sports with kids – the jump around the house ones

*caught myself in the mirror a couple times and am noticing the puffiness in the face is going down, sleep is still a good hard 6.5 hours, chose a movie instead of tv to get out of my head for a while last night – great idea! Eating anything I want!

Day 12 – Did Too Much

Starting at 3:30 am like I normally do, I faced a “regular” day. Work. Overwhelming. How much had I been doing? It was way too much. Taking tine off has let me rest and organize myself. Going forward I do not want to work at that crazy pace.

Last night I went to bed almost crying from the pain of a hard days work. That’s enough of that life choice. I didn’t recognize my days were so physically draining. Alcohol did its job well and covered up that pain. I thought my days were hard because of the hangovers. Well, duh, but what I didn’t see was my days were truly that hard!

While purchasing inventory I noticed flowers. I still hadn’t picked out my reward of 10 stems of flowers for 10 days sober. In the checkout line, I seriously almost went back and exchanged them for wine. I thought about having to write that on this blog and kept the flowers.

When I got home at 4, i made myself get the flowers in water before I started working with my tax clients. As I talked with clients I had my flowers on the desk in front of me. Flower Power.

Today I have another phyically demanding morning followed again by tax clients, but this time at their offices. Finally at 3:30 this afternoon I get my hair colored. That will begin the last of my time off work.

As I write this I am imagining the pain I will feel this evening. But will I? I don’t know for sure so I don’t want to assume I will be miserable. Ack! Where are my rewards? The whole point of this blog. Understanding self-care!

Reward thoughts

• Wine 
• Tea ( blucky – but do it anyway!) It is warm & cozy.
• Hair colored – no grays – yeah!
• Get take out for supper – this is not your night to be SuperMom

*funny, up at 3:30 again, super long tax day ahead of me, with the 45 previous sober days plus these new 12, I feel much better, taking better care of myself overall, first post last days Dec, this post first days of April, definately learning to make better choices in the last 3 months

Day 11- Aches and Pains

Woke up in the night with a terrible pain in my chest. Wouldn’t ya know it,  finally get some days sober and then I get a heart attack. When I woke up a little further I realized it was, of course, heartburn, having given myself free rein with food & drink. Pop & sugar are not my friends even though they are sweet, bubbly and lovely. It felt good to give in to cravings though.

My back was too sore to do any stretches this week, so I took a bunch of IB’s yesterday so I could do a little yoga to get it loosened up. (IB’s, more heartburn trouble I bet.) I have done a whole lot of sitting and relaxing on my first week off. Good for the head not good for the lower back muscles.

My self-care skills are truly broken from drinking. Survival mode was my normal feeling. Now I have time to choose how I want to spend my day. Exercise and eating lightly are what I’m craving. I have the knowledge but have lost the ability and desire to put these things first. 

I don’t want to feel crappy anymore. I need to get my body and head on the same team. Let myself listen to the thighs and not the head. My head got me in trouble in the first place. Too many thoughts and emotions. My thighs would like a chance to loosen up and go crazy.

Reward thoughts

• Clean sheets on Sunday is still a keeper
• Movies in the afternoon not the evening. Watched this week, Monuments Men, Frozen, Guardians of the Galaxy & Saving Mr. Banks ( loved this movie!!!)
• Eat anything I want. HaHa That backfired. I thought this was a reward but instead it caused more problems……… Interesting.

*eating everything in sight, doing three rewards a day, working on not feeling guilty, talked myself out of romancing a drink after work – yeah!

Day 10

Wow. Just…wow.

*sleeping is still hardcore, vivid dreams,  second time at day 10, going to do flowers again, not as hard this time but when I look at 45 days in a row like last time, that seems a long ways off.

Day 9 is fine

Went to bed at 6:30 pm with a new Debbie Macomber book. Read. Slept. Woke up at 12:30 am, read til finished the book. Slept. Got up at 6:30 am! Feeling good! Gillian Flynn’s Sharp Objects will be keeping me company today.

Reviewed my 3 sober treats a day plan & did much better this week. 16/21. The chores, bills & work plans were a disaster though, like 4/15. Lol. I did much better by writing my treats in my day planner and choosing treats that didn’t involve “doing something”. I put on the treat planner three different times- drive around & see Christmas lights. Never made it once.

Lessons learned about my treats this week are

• Don’t choose a doing treat. Doing my nails, baking cookies or seeing Christmas lights. (Treat would be getting a mani/pedi, buying cookies from bakery.)
• Don’t rely on someone else being part of the treat, like meeting a friend for lunch. Better to just treat myself to take out. 
• Find a treat that gets me out of my head for a while.

Getting ready to plot and plan my 21 treats this week. I reread some of my ideas on the pages here. I forgot I had written 10 different stems of flowers fo celebrate 10 unique days of challenges and successes. Can’t wait for that tomorrow!

*sleep starts to get really hard and deep. Bring 2 glasses of water to bed for dry mouth and be ready for a groggy day from lots of sleep.

Day 8 is not so great

I have a 7 year old giant black labradoodle.  Yesterday kids and dog started opening gifts at 4:59 am – done at 5:28. The dog unwraps his own gifts & tries to help open all the rest. All were cranked up and crazy.

By 7:30 pm we were all in bed. Dog starts puking at midnight. In my bedroom. Giant dog, giant puke. He’s worse than the kids for excitement.

I feel sick myself this morning from lack of sleep. My farm tax clients are calling trying to figure out their end of the year purchases. As usual, my kids dad didn’t invite them to the family Christmas. He has a new family now.

Lots of crap, nothing major. Didn’t drink yesterday only because I didn’t want to put on a bra and go to the store.  Since I’m working from home, no bra yet today either. Hopefully that will keep me not drinking today too 🙂

* sleep is better but not great yet

A Merry Day 7

Gonna be a tough evening. Kids and I are watching a movie at home tonight. My favorite time to drink. Pizza, popcorn, wine, movie &  comfy pj’s. Aargh. Not going to dwell on it this afternoon.

Plan: start movie early enough that I am not exhausted and let my guard down.

Day 6 – One Week Eve

It’s Christmas Eve and the eve of me making it one whole week without drinking.

I looked at my treat list for today & realized it was blank. I quickly ran out and made a very rare second cup of Italian Roast coffee, had a piece of biscotti and gave myself a “selfie  high five” & “way to go girlfriend!” dance.

Three sober treats a day are working. Blogging and reading sober blogs are working.

But the number one factor has been stepping away from work for an extended period. I have been able to address one ginormous (giant + enormous) financial problem. I have also found the bottom of the to-do pile and everything has a home.

What this means to me is no more bill collectors calling. Period.

And when a piece of paper hits my home it has a place to live. No more will it accumulate on a counter or table top. (At least this week:))

Sober treats for today:

• a goofy light book to read while eating cookies
• Coffee & biscotti √
• Driving after dark to see the Christmas lights

*sleep is better, feels like forever sine I quit drinking, evenings feel long, lots of cereal  & ice cream before bed & no weight gain. Craving salt – chinese & popcorn

Hello Day 5 :)

I haven’t seen a day 5 since my bowel obstruction last summer. Seriously.

I learned something about rewards yesterday. It is not a reward to “do” a chore. I thought baking cookies or cleaning a drawer in my nightstand would be a reward because I would feel good when it was done.

What did feel good was taking a break after lunch, going to my bedroom & reading, drinking Christmas tea and munching cookies. My brain took a break from thinking.

On a normal day, I get up at 4 am to have time for myself. By 6 I am dressed and getting the dog & kids taken care of. Out the door at 730 dropping everyone off and at work by 830. I go non stop with 4 offices & 17 staff. Lunch is when I sit in front of my computer & catch up on emails. Leave office before 6 and home to dog & kids and in bed at 730.

I couldn’t keep up the pace. I was so exhausted that I would grab wine everynight to stay awake & functioning until bed. It calmed me down and chased away the exhaustion for an extra hour or two.

After these few days at home and no wine I can see clearer that going too hard set up a cycle of exhaustion and drinking. I don’t want to choose this anymore. I can go sit in my car and read at lunch, or instead of take out Chinese for lunch I can go sit there and eat and read. Gettting out of my own head for a while will help me make more efficient decisions in the afternoon.

Today will be an interesting challenge as I have too many things already going on that need to happen. I have scheduled another bedroom reading date with myself after lunch, but I may not be home. I think I will bring my book with me and stop what I am doing and sit and read and eat. No work.

I’m off and running as my first stop is a meeting with the superintendent of the school. A good meeting for my son, but a crazy start to my day.

*so glad to re-read this, starting to get too busy again, slow down!

Good Morning Day 4!

Monday morning. Not going to the office. Working from home so I can finish a load of laundry, a quick cleaning chore or start a loaf of bread in between work projects. Not spending 45 minutes in the car commuting. Kids last two days of school before break. Some quiet. 

My Sunday reward was clean sheets. Looove it! That’s a keeper! Another winning reward was Carr’s ginger lemon cream cookies. One small box was almost $4. Soooo worth it!

I have started using a time management method that I like. Monday thru Friday I have plotted three tasks each day to accomplish. On Friday I count how many were acheived. 12 out of 15 is a success. (Nine Minute Mondays by James Robbins blogged about this). For the things not achieved ask 3 questions. Did I schedule it? Was it realistic? Was I derailed?

I made a sheet for work, home chores, bills & to-do’s, and my hardest one – Sober Treats. I was successful in all but the treats. Very interesting. I had done a whole week of 3 treats a day. A cappuccino  or biscotti in the morning, going to bed early & reading at night, clean sheets 🙂 I did not give as much importance to my soberness as I did all the other jobs. I only did 3 out of 15 treats.

This weeks changes to sober treats are

• Schedule it – the treats are in the day planner
• Realistic – baking cookies from scratch is not a reward
• Derailed – everything seemed to derail my treats – must put myself first!!!

Treats for today are

1.  Cappuccino
2. Go to my bedroom and read after lunch (& use a white strips on my teeth – bought a while ago & haven’t used yet)
3. Use the free hair mask that came with the hair conditioner

* sleep is still sweaty & gross