My son stayed home from school. He was tired last night and was starting a fresh cold. He really isn’t sick enough to stay home, but I knew that three days of rest fri-sat-sun would help him emotionally relax. Junior high has been horrible for him. Sometimes a little self-care upfront is more helpful than waiting to fall apart and become sick “enough” to stay home.
And I thought….what a good idea. I could really use a long quiet three days myself. With autism son at high school today, the house is sooo quiet. The dog, my boy & I are just hanging out in our pj’s. Very very quiet.
I am working my way through Money Love, Co-Dependent No More, and Kary May’s Handbook to Happily Not Drinking At All. So much good stuff! And all positive.
My new blog is taking shape slowly and finding it’s voice.
I’m looking at my future with new eyes. Not wondering how I will fit drinking and hangovers in to my routine has left me loads of time. I have to watch my inner “energizer bunny” though. I love to fill that extra space with to-do lists.
But not today…or Saturday….Or Sunday. It’s time for quiet.
I am proud of myself for recognizing some early triggers.
After work I wanted to keep moving and go out to the garden. I realized I was also pushing my kids to do their chores. Finally one of them said that he just needed to sit a minute. Ahh…yep, I do too, I said.
I was mentally tired from a fun weekend that let me forget about work. Monday was tough getting back on track. But somehow, that is not okay to my drinking brain. Keep pushing and then collapse/stop with a glass of wine.
Once I committed to resting, the cravings started. Staying busy eases cravings, but it also makes me exhausted and then I can’t so no to the craving.
My rewards & treats to keep sober were
- Eating – one whole row of Rice Krispies bars ‘IS TOO’ one serving, I explained to my kids.
- Then I cooked 3 potato dishes for the week. Potatoes & cream of mushroom soup ‘IS TOO’ a recipe I said to myself.
- Finished season 2 of Outlander…sigh…Jamie….
The craving was gone and I happily and feeling very full, climbed into bed sober. And I am sooo grateful this morning.
I had healed enough from the break-up to go back and wrap up some loose ends. My son has his trampoline at the farm, I have a huge ladder in my garage, things that need some large scale arranging.
We didn’t want to rehash the past, but we both apologized. And we discovered our way back to a shaky friendship.
The last three days we have found our way back to a strong friendship. I brought up the concept of co-dependency. We talked about what we thought it meant between us, but more importantly where it started from in our families growing up and in our ex-marriages.
As we were rather inseparable, we caught moments where one of us used a behavior to try and change the outcome. (Mostly me 😉 We just laughed and moved on. Once the behavior was spotted, it lost it’s energy.
We went shopping and we each bought things for ourselves. We discussed how both of us have put ourselves last while caring for our families. We both agreed to focus on our own self-care rather than on each other. It was a lot more fun for me! A few weeks ago I would have been wrapped up in getting his to-do list done and forgone my own. Instead, I got to come home with new clothes and tennis shoes that I bought for myself! He came home with new clothes and a food processor for himself. And I bought nothing for my kids – actually forgot for a while that I even had them.
Being able to take care of myself, instead of losing myself, in a relationship will be something new for me. Being friends within a relationship instead of trying to make their life easier (because somehow I know better than they do) will be a burden lifted.
Everything I have been hearing in the last few days has spent time talking about co-dependent behavior. I’m guessing it has been there all along, and I just couldn’t hear it.
Well, my little co-dependent mind, we are in for a bumpy ride. The world is conspiring to communicate to us. Do we choose to accept this mission? Hell ya! Bring on another crappy part of myself to heal. I am feeling wonderful from being sober and I’m looking forward to feeling even better by learning about this issue.
So far – this is what the definition of co-dependent means to me….I do, say or feel things that take away the other person’s ability to choose. THEN I get upset that I have to do, think or feel their stuff because they dont. I dont allow them to choose because it will be wrong according to my standards. I need to control (guarantee) the outcome. I see this with my kids, my friends and especially my work.
What makes it CO dependent? They let me. Through
- their fear of getting yelled at (Moi-dramatically emotional? Not Moi.)
- it’s simply easier (I don’t want to pick up dog poop either!)
- their own low self-esteem (“I always do it wrong according to you Mom”)
they are the (unknowingly) complicit other half of my controlling actions.
Episode 2 of the podcast Yogachurch (link follows) had the two women talking through this issue in regards to parenting. I liked the way they worked the issue beginning to end using a series of questions (and the observations of each other).
What an eye-opener. I thought co-dependent was just for marriages. I’m not married so no issue! Ha! It always amazes me that as smart as I am, some of this obvious stuff completely eludes me.
Bring on the Co-dependency!!
Who knew? I have learned so much more about the different addictions ( And like when you take abnormal psych in college – I think I have them all! Ha)
But, good gravy – this one is MINE!
I understand how you can apply sobriety to everything- in general. But the concept of truly, deeply working my money issues as hard as I work my drinking sobriety never occurred to me.
It feels like how I tried to stop drinking
- I won’t spend money today
- Argh-girls are ordering pizza at work, ooh BLT pizza my favorite!
- I bet the kids are out of milk (fabulous excuse to buy wine!) Plus 10 extra items so the cashier won’t realize I’m just here to buy wine
- Will someone get the mail please? I let them put it on the table and I don’t even touch it or acknowledge it.
- Open e-mail, see message from bank. Quickly switch to FB or Pinterest
- Definitely NEED wine now. Commence drinking and after a bottle and a half definitely feel sober enough to order online book on how to manage my money and my drinking. HA
- Wake up with regret on overspending and hungover. SUPER FUN
One of the big things I keep hearing is….addiction is a distraction fom pain.
Well, I guess – duh. But why couldn’t I recognize that before? My money habits are keeping me back from from being honest. Honest about sobriety surrounding drinking and honest about sobriety surrounding money.
This is kool beanz. Thank you Meadow DeVor http://www.meadowdevor.com
On Wednesdays the kids get out an hour and a half early from school. Very annoying. It’s just so disruptive to schedules. I have always picked up my kids from school when I can. Boys may share for a few moments in the car ride, but once they hit home my 17 year old’s motto is “What happens at school stays at school.” Since he has his own car now, his motto is true. I don’t even get 3 minutes of shares. I hang on to these last few months of my 14 year old who will either drive himself or ride with his brother home from high school. Then that role will end for me as a mother.
So…Wednesday afternoons get long for me. I wanted to keep busy to keep the sad thoughts from creeping in. Instead I sat quietly and listened to Recovery 2.0 videos. I just used those voices as friends. I heard the term co-dependent. Both the speaker and the moderator laughed as they said that they went right to being co-dependent after they got sober. I’m wondering if that is what happened in the relationship that just ended for me.
If you have any good book suggestions or if it happened to you, please share. I have always considered myself independent, but I did find myself completely immersed in this relationship. It was fun to be a part of something. What are some of the warning signs, that you recognize if it starts to happen to you?
Not just a quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I am better.
I was truly happy to have Monday roll around! I got back to work. During the summer I had moved the payroll part of my busness to my house, locked filing cabinets & all. Five minutes of work doesn’t equal a round trip 50 minute car ride. So, all work & file cabinets got moved back to the office building, putting my home and the office back in order!
On Friday, I put out a call to my girls ‘Ladies Who Lunch’ to see if any were free. That was extremely helpful to keep from isolating and one of the girls who missed Friday sat with me a couple hours at the office yesterday. I have always done breakups alone, what a difference, Sober choices have brought me so many friends!
As I was explaining to her some of the reasons the relationship fell apart I started to understand my role in it. I even let my shame go and told her about the role drinking played in the relationship. We laughed as she compared her recent “relapse” of making homemade cinnamon rolls two days in a row! It helped me to realize that drinking relapses don’t mean the end. The good life I created with my soberness (I’m still very proud of 7 months in a row!) is still here.
One of the surprises from yesterday, was when I said OUT LOUD to her that I am an alcoholic. It’s not just “a drinking problem”. I think it was the first time I have ever really understood that alcohol is dangerous to me, not just a bad habit. Two things helped reinforce that. Gaby’s story from the Bubble Hour podcast and Hangover Free Life’s post on body damage. (links at the end) Both of these reminded me that alcohol is really bad for my body in terms of health. I have been mostly focused on the emotional aspects and trying to fight against my brain/cravings.
During this crappy breakup time I’m glad I kept reading sober blogs and listening to sober podcasts. I used my sober tools to deal with life. And I’m getting better.