A Quiet Day


My son stayed home from school. He was tired last night and was starting a fresh cold. He really isn’t sick enough to stay home, but I knew that three days of rest fri-sat-sun would help him emotionally relax. Junior high has been horrible for him. Sometimes a little self-care upfront is more helpful than waiting to fall apart and become sick “enough” to stay home.

And I thought….what a good idea. I could really use a long quiet three days myself. With autism son at high school today, the house is sooo quiet. The dog, my boy & I are just hanging out in our pj’s. Very very quiet.

I am working my way through Money Love, Co-Dependent No More, and Kary May’s Handbook to Happily Not Drinking At All. So much good stuff! And all positive.

 My new blog is taking shape slowly and finding it’s voice. 

I’m looking at my future with new eyes. Not wondering how I will fit drinking and hangovers in to my routine has left me loads of time. I have to watch my inner “energizer bunny” though. I love to fill that extra space with to-do lists. 

But not today…or Saturday….Or Sunday. It’s time for quiet.

A Rewarding Night


I am proud of myself for recognizing some early triggers.

After work I wanted to keep moving and go out to the garden. I realized I was also pushing my kids to do their chores. Finally one of them said that he just needed to sit a minute. Ahh…yep, I do too, I said.

I was mentally tired from a fun weekend that let me forget about work. Monday was tough getting back on track. But somehow, that is not okay to my drinking brain. Keep pushing and then collapse/stop with a glass of wine.

Once I committed to resting, the cravings started. Staying busy eases cravings, but it also makes me exhausted and then I can’t so no to the craving. 

My rewards & treats to keep sober were

  • Eating – one whole row of Rice Krispies bars ‘IS TOO’ one serving, I explained to my kids.
  • Then I cooked 3 potato dishes for the week. Potatoes & cream of mushroom soup ‘IS TOO’ a recipe I said to myself.
  • Finished season 2 of Outlander…sigh…Jamie….

The craving was gone and I happily and feeling very full, climbed into bed sober. And I am sooo grateful this morning. 

Relationship Update


I had healed enough from the break-up to go back and wrap up some loose ends. My son has his trampoline at the farm, I have a huge ladder in my garage, things that need some large scale arranging.

We didn’t want to rehash the past, but we both apologized. And we discovered our way back to a shaky friendship.

The last three days we have found our way back to a strong friendship. I brought up the concept of co-dependency. We talked about what we thought it meant between us, but more importantly where it started from in our families growing up and in our ex-marriages. 

As we were rather inseparable, we caught moments where one of us used a behavior to try and change the outcome. (Mostly me 😉  We just laughed and moved on. Once the behavior was spotted, it lost it’s energy. 

We went shopping and we each bought things for ourselves. We discussed how both of us have put ourselves last while caring for our families. We both agreed to focus on our own self-care rather than on each other. It was a lot more fun for me! A few weeks ago I would have been wrapped up in getting his to-do list done and forgone my own. Instead, I got to come home with new clothes and tennis shoes that I bought for myself! He came home with new clothes and a food processor for himself. And I bought nothing for my kids – actually forgot for a while that I even had them.

Being able to take care of myself, instead of losing myself, in a relationship will be something new for me. Being friends within a relationship instead of trying to make their life easier (because somehow I know better than they do) will be a burden lifted. 

Co-dependency – Here I Come!


Everything I have been hearing in the last few days has spent time talking about co-dependent behavior. I’m guessing it has been there all along, and I just couldn’t hear it. 

Well, my little co-dependent mind, we are in for a bumpy ride. The world is conspiring to communicate to us. Do we choose to accept this mission? Hell ya! Bring on another crappy part of myself to heal. I am feeling wonderful from being sober and I’m looking forward to feeling even better by learning about this issue.

So far – this is what the definition of co-dependent means to me….I do, say or feel things that take away the other person’s ability to choose. THEN I get upset that I have to do, think or feel their stuff because they dont. I dont allow them to choose because it will be wrong according to my standards. I need to control (guarantee) the outcome. I see this with my kids, my friends and especially my work. 

What makes it CO dependent? They let me. Through

  • their fear of getting yelled at (Moi-dramatically emotional? Not Moi.)
  • it’s simply easier (I don’t want to pick up dog poop either!)
  • their own low self-esteem (“I always do it wrong according to you Mom”)

they are the (unknowingly) complicit other half of my controlling actions. 

Episode 2 of the podcast Yogachurch (link follows) had the two women talking through this issue in regards to parenting. I liked the way they worked the issue beginning to end using a series of questions (and the observations of each other). 

What an eye-opener. I thought co-dependent was just for marriages. I’m not married so no issue! Ha!  It always amazes me that as smart as I am, some of this obvious stuff completely eludes me. 

Bring on the Co-dependency!! 


Financially Sober


Who knew? I have learned so much more about the different addictions ( And like when you take abnormal psych in college – I think I have them all! Ha) 

But, good gravy – this one is MINE! 

I understand how you can apply sobriety to everything- in general. But the concept of truly, deeply working my money issues as hard as I work my drinking sobriety never occurred to me. 

It feels like how I tried to stop drinking

  • I won’t spend money today
  • Argh-girls are ordering pizza at work, ooh BLT pizza my favorite!
  • I bet the kids are out of milk (fabulous excuse to buy wine!) Plus 10 extra items so the cashier won’t realize I’m just here to buy wine
  • Will someone get the mail please? I let them put it on the table and I don’t even touch it or acknowledge it.
  • Open e-mail, see message from bank. Quickly switch to FB or Pinterest
  • Definitely NEED wine now. Commence drinking and after a bottle and a half definitely feel sober enough to order online book on how to manage my money and my drinking. HA
  • Wake up with regret on overspending and hungover. SUPER FUN

One of the big things I keep hearing is….addiction is a distraction fom pain.

Well, I guess – duh. But why couldn’t I recognize that before? My money habits are keeping me back from from being honest. Honest about sobriety surrounding drinking and honest about sobriety surrounding money.

This is kool beanz. Thank you Meadow DeVor http://www.meadowdevor.com



On Wednesdays the kids get out an hour and a half early from school. Very annoying. It’s just so disruptive to schedules. I have always picked up my kids from school when I can. Boys may share for a few moments in the car ride, but once they hit home my 17 year old’s motto is “What happens at school stays at school.” Since he has his own car now, his motto is true. I don’t even get 3 minutes of shares. I hang on to these last few months of my 14 year old who will either drive himself or ride with his brother home from high school. Then that role will end for me as a mother.

So…Wednesday afternoons get long for me. I wanted to keep busy to keep the sad thoughts from creeping in. Instead I sat quietly and listened to Recovery 2.0 videos. I just used those voices as friends. I heard the term co-dependent. Both the speaker and the moderator laughed as they said that they went right to being co-dependent after they got sober. I’m wondering if that is what happened in the relationship that just ended for me.

If you have any good book suggestions or if it happened to you, please share. I have always considered myself independent, but I did find myself completely immersed in this relationship. It was fun to be a part of something. What are some of the warning signs, that you recognize if it starts to happen to you? 

I’m Getting Better


Not just a quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I am better.

I was truly happy to have Monday roll around! I got back to work. During the summer I had moved the payroll part of my busness to my house, locked filing cabinets & all. Five minutes of work doesn’t equal a round trip 50 minute car ride. So, all work  & file cabinets got moved back to the office building, putting my home and the office back in order!  

On Friday, I put out a call to my girls ‘Ladies Who Lunch’ to see if any were free. That was extremely helpful to keep from isolating and one of  the girls who missed Friday sat with me a couple hours at the office yesterday. I have always done breakups alone, what a difference, Sober choices have brought me so many friends! 

As I was explaining to her some of the reasons the relationship fell apart I started to understand my role in it. I even let my shame go and told her about the role drinking played in the relationship. We laughed as she compared her recent “relapse” of making homemade cinnamon rolls two days in a row! It helped me to realize that drinking relapses don’t mean the end. The good life I created with my soberness (I’m still very proud of 7 months in a row!) is still here. 

One of the surprises from yesterday, was when I said OUT LOUD to her that I am an alcoholic. It’s not just “a drinking problem”. I think it was the first time I have ever really understood that alcohol is dangerous to me, not just a bad habit. Two things helped reinforce that. Gaby’s story from the Bubble Hour podcast and Hangover Free Life’s post on body damage. (links at the end) Both of these reminded me that alcohol is really bad for my body in terms of health. I have been mostly focused on the emotional aspects and trying to fight against my brain/cravings. 

During this crappy breakup time I’m glad I kept reading sober blogs and listening to sober podcasts. I used my sober tools to deal with life. And I’m getting better.



Angry Day


I feel like I have hit the anger stage. 

I’m angry about giving away my time and not feeling like I got enough in return. I’m angry that so much of my free thoughts are spent thinking about the ending of a relationship. I’m angry that I have no patience to wait 3 minutes for the emotion to pass. I’m angry that I’m angry!!

I listened to the Bubble Hour yesterday. One of the take aways from Jean & Anne was that while drinking, yoga seemed too slow. Life was fast paced and jumpy. Both of them referred to now, during a crisis, yoga helps look to stillness. 

How I feel now – crazy, angry and frantic. How I want to feel -looking for the stillness. 

I noticed this morning when I was researching biscotti recipes, that my mind was totally occupied. I did experience that lack of frantically trying to turn off the crazy. I would like to move to searching for stillness instead of searching to make the angry stop. 

Self-care goals for today: DONE

  • Put the DVD player next to the TV & find the yoga video 
  • Put the yoga mat & basket of blocks etc. next to TV
  • Actually turn on the treadmill   BONUS walked for 10 minutes &  listened to Gaby on The Bubble Hour
  • Do a meditation
  • Cook and blog about it.

Self-Care for Today


This summer we all flipped bedrooms to maximize exposure to the most air conditioning possible…and my youngest and I are going to keep it this way. (He made himself a 14 year old man-cave in my old closet.) As part of doing some massive self-care to recover from this breakup, I moved my mattress last night. I got to sleep in my own bed again with clean sheets. 

The craving to drink was pretty strong but I had some Squirt in a Pioneer Woman goblet and watched Big Brother and So You Think You Can Dance. I still didn’t sleep well but am plugging along.

I chose to go to a tax class yesterday just to have some girl time, even though I didn’t do the homework and my eyes were still red & swollen. That was an excellent self-care choice. I am not alone on this issue of panic when someone pulls back. My girlfriend learned in therapy that it comes from low self-esteem. What?!? Not me?!? Haha 

Even through all this work of getting sober, rewards and self-care I’m not done working on myself. I would really like to say – How can anyone not like me, I’m FABULOUS! (Actually I did just say that. So there.)


  • I have another lunch planned with friends. 
  • I’m blogging. 
  • I got out the directions for the treadmill (baby steps).
  •  And I’m going to push hard at the thing that helps me the most – getting a schedule in place to get caught up. My brain is too foggy from emotions to actually do the work, but a schedule breaking it down to three manageable items a day works wonders. 

Hopefully Monday finds me back on track as far as work issues. This breakup thing will take time and tears. 

Birthday & Breakup


After a wonderful two days, someone said something the wrong way and we had a major blow out on my birthday. Aargh…We agreed though, that we sure like to talk even when we are talking about breaking up. 

It’s very different arguing at 53 than at 23. We used phrases like “tell me what you heard me say..”,  “stop and breathe..” and “what I learned in therapy…”.  Both of us listening to each other rather than shouting. Not wanting to be right, but wanting to be heard and understood. Lots of “how can we fix it?” and “Why are we still discussing an incident from months ago, what haven’t we healed about that?” 

We figured out that when I have a bad day, I want him close. When he has a bad day he wants space. So we are giving each other what we want. I try to give him a hug and ask lots of questions about how he’s feeling and he doesn’t call me so I can have space. I know, this sounds like pretty normal 8/9 months of dating transitions.

As part of a joint agreement, we had my son with autism mowing and trimming at the farm. This was going to be good practice for getting a job. We discovered that my 17 year old is a long way from having the skills necessary to work. A huge eye opener for me. The line between support and enabling is a very fine one. I told my friend that the divorce rate among families with special needs kids is over 85%. He said he understands why. We had so many fights this summer with what I deemed parenting issues. 

His marriage broke up after 20 years from issues with her previous kids that he helped raise. One calls him dad and the other caused the beginnings of the divorce. He knows my ex (small town) and can’t believe he won’t see the boys. Now my friend is starting to get attached and is scared. He doesn’t want to re-do this scenario of raising some one else’s kids. 

So we are trying to step back for a while. Part of the issue is he stepped back without talking to me, and then I panicked because he pulled back. Then he pulled back more and I panicked more. Again, pretty common themes in relationships as they progress. 

We also discussed drinking. Mine and his. He is the one with the romantic notions about going out for dinner and having a nice glass of wine. I laughed and said 99.9% of our time together is spent NOT drinking. He thought a minute and agreed. I asked him to remember us drinking together and he could only think of one time. It’s more worrisome for him because the only person he knows who doesn’t drink is a radical non-drinker who really puts people down who do drink. He doesn’t want me to become like his best friend’s wife. 

The goofy part of all this, is we both like things just the way they are. But we can’t seem to agree on what we call it. He tried so hard to win me over in the beginning and I took it slow. Now he wants to slow it down while I am just learning to relax and trust. Hence the Arrgh…..

We both agreed that we don’t want it to end, and we both agree we don’t need to rush towards anything.  We just can’t figure out what taking a step back means.