Summer Malaise

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The moment when dry, hot & depression finally gets to me. The simplest of things are so hard to get done. I’m short with my kids who are also feeling the same. Long summer days off but wanting the energy to do more. Just kind of waiting until school starts and things get back on schedule and then regret that I didn’t do more right now.

I ended my relationship that wasn’t giving me back what I put into it. (He only wants to be friends.) It broke my heart to do the right thing for me.

Then a big falling out with the ONE social thing I do. It was that moment when you talk to the person one on one and think you can get it resolved and it goes way in left field. The other person resigned before I did. I was asked to stay so I have tentatively said yes. It was a happy place for me and now it’s just stressful. If it doesn’t relax I will have to walk away for my own peace of mind.

It makes me wonder about myself. Is it me? Is it the heat? Is it lack of schedule? I know in both situations I had to say something. In one I deserve back what I give and in the other I just plain deserve respect.

I am terribly lonely. I wasn’t lonely like this before I started my relationship. Now that I realize how nice it was to have a partner I really want to find that.

And I was enjoying being part of a group and making new friends. Now that just makes me feel alone as I was the only one who said something.

I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m getting too old to find a partner and I’m needing to start downsizing. And I just don’t have the patience anymore to deal with arrogance.

(In balance to this – I have so much that I’m grateful for! And a good 85% of my day is good.) But I needed to put that other crap out there cuz it’s hanging out in my head way too much.

I’m trying to remind myself that when I look back at this time I may not even remember it. It is just part of the journey.

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Stress – Now vs 10 years ago

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I’m doing the Annie Grace 30 days for fun…(and sober reasons). The lesson today was on resentments and every blog post I read today was too – even quoting the same quotes! Lol

But, as I was working on my resentments and why alcohol doesn’t relax me, I got to thinking about where I was ten years ago….. Before I every tried (seriously) not just the next hungover morning, to quit drinking.

Am I perfectly sober? No.

Am I relaxed & stress free? No

Am I better than I was 10 years ago? Ding, ding ding! Absolutely!!!!

Just trying to get and stay sober has greatly increased my overall well being. As I continue on this path of learning more about myself and drinking, I am taking the time to celebrate each baby step. For some, they were just done drinking. For me – and lots of other people – it’s a longer journey.

My reminder lesson to myself – keep creating new changes to combat the old patterns.

The End is Near…

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Crazy busy end of tax season!

This is the first tax season where I am content and not exhausted at the end. I have a new walking buddy arranged as soon as school is out. I have another new friend who gardens. I see why women have girlfriends. I’ve never had many and this is a fun change.

I have quite a few seeds started for my garden and can’t wait to get digging. My new lawn chairs arrived yesterday. My side tables are covered with seed catalogs and gardening magazines.

I’ve worked the last three months with Alison at TeeTotallyFit and am going to start my next three months after these final 11 days of work. It hasn’t been easy trying to do this while working but I’m getting the excuses worked out that keep me from not drinking and not getting off my butt!! I’m feeling more at peace and am looking forward to making more changes.

My Year of Change is slow, but I’m loving the overall happiness it’s bringing.

Lonliness

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Boy did the chapter on lonliness hit hard. I still feel like I can’t catch my breath. Definitely some soul searching needs to happen on this topic.

I want to enjoy cleaning

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One of the things I think I will enjoy when tax season is over and I have months of free time is….cleaning. I imagine puttering around the house, having time to gut a room or rearrange a drawer.

I wonder what my neighbor, who has 4 children, a business and a home decorating blog mean when they say, “I was just at Target and found this sweet little rug for the bath.”

I want that.

I want that perceived “feeling” that there is time in life to shop without duress. Time to marvel at a small thing. Time to put all else aside and look at the beauty of change.

I imagine the only way she can have this, is because everything else in her life is in perfect order so she can then do her passion.

The reality…she is just like me. Our kids are friends and she has struggles in life of course. But what I envy is her ease with clean, simple & beautiful. She is wonderful to be around because she is calm.

I’m the bull in the china shop. I’m loud and lumbering and my home does not give me peace. It’s messy, dirty and dark. I make excuses. My math heavy brain has a hard time with beauty and light.

I think if I had more time then I could enjoy this “feeling” of bonding with my home.

I’m finally to the point of not taking care of kids. They fend well for themselves and now I’m really just the entertainment committee. My excuse of parenting is over. My excuse of work is almost over for the season. I really have no more excuse of not choosing myself first.

Of the IG, Pinterest ideas I follow and save, this is the one I have not truly done for myself. I cook and garden, but somewhere I have a passion for a pretty home that I just can’t figure out. It has always seemed a bit frivolous. Kind of like pretty clothes. I need comfort and function and I never quite match. My home feels the same.

I have been a bit restless thinking about just gardening and cooking this summer. I might change my course and work on my home instead. Try to find that “feeling” of being in love with my home.

7

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I want to give a shout out to donuts and ice cream🍦for helping me through the week.

And last night I was freezing. I had a cup of decaf. Bad idea. I was still awake at midnight. I finally got up and had two mini bagels loaded with butter, two big glasses of apple juice an a benadryl/alleve tablet. The carb equivalent of a bottle of wine with a sleep chaser. Full belly & lots of sugar put me in sleep coma finally.

Also, don’t read Molly’s Game before bed!! Can’t put it down and it’s loaded with excitement. The movie is excellent too!!

End of 4

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Tried to do a good thing and celebrate ending a tough day and ordered pizza. Instead of getting what I wanted I got something they might like. Ended up no one liked it. Must remember to not put kids first when it’s MY celebration!!

I shall redeem myself and order MORE food just for me today. Lol