Thinking & Shaming

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The willpower chapter stated that we expend energy by THINKING. I had just heard twice this week about how many calories a professional chess player and a researcher burns while THINKING, around 6000 calories a day. I also heard a professional strongman say it takes 7000 calories to maintain (and his favorite meal was not having to eat one!)

The assertion of the chapter in relation to 5pm – energy reserves are good in the morning, but after a day of THINKING our energy reserves are depleted.

Light bulb moment.

I have been shaming myself, that because I sit all day, I should have plenty of energy because I physically did nothing. I have not considered the fact that my drinking ramps up when I have a more intense day of THINKING. I just thought it was stress.

I did an exercise class at 5pm this week & I didn’t have anything to give and I couldn’t focus. The same routine I would have enjoyed at 7am felt like cement.

My son watches amazing unique movies and I tell him I don’t have the brain power to watch those in the evening. I call them THINKERS. Lol I’m starting to put some of this together.

At work I showed my son an IRS reg that had come out on Friday. It gave us some much needed guidance for the stimulus loans. Then I ripped up the paper and said now Congress changed it again. This is the 5th change since last year. My brain is very tired keeping up with tax law this year.

Now that I’ve worked through these thoughts, (thoughts about thinking!!), it’s no wonder I want to soothe my brain at the end of the day. But I’m not soothing my brain, I’m killing it. I’m pouring alcohol on an open wound and hoping it stops the pain.

So I need to take my brain out, give it a good massage, hug it & feed it, smile at it, treat it kindly & gently, keep it calm & warm, let it know it’s loved & tuck it gently back inside my head.

I have spent these last years blogging about how to love myself through small rewards. Recognizing what is a true reward and what is a false reward. Learning to stop shaming myself about my body and parenting. But I haven’t found that key to stop drinking.

There is something about this THINKING that is deeply resonating with me. It feels like I found a key that fits, now I need to see if it opens the lock.

9 thoughts on “Thinking & Shaming”

  1. It won’t open the lock, and I’d bet if you were honest, you’d admit that outright. You’re hoping this key works knowing it won’t. And that is our definition of insanity. I can so relate to what you’re going through. I hope you find peace.

    And PS. Nobody, in the history of people, burned 6,000 calories thinking. I can’t burn that on a pedal bike over 100 miles.

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      • Off topic, yes. Strongmen have muscles. Those muscles require fuel and effort to stay muscles. Remove the effort and they’re fat.

        The on-topic question is tricky. It’s not just one, “oh, all of a sudden everything makes sense and I don’t want to drink anymore” click. You’ll be luckier hunting unicorns. The “click” is gradual, over time. Quitting is a process that is near impossible without a complete change of habit, friends, and way of life. People have been trying to quit by thinking, unsuccessfully, since about two weeks after alcohol was invented.

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      • Every morning my plan is to not drink. Every day I plan little things that help me do that. The blog has been my way to let others in, to get feedback, and to listen to stories of what works. I agree that the lifestyle has to change to support not drinking. All the big stuff is done, it’s now a fine tuning of daily habits that need to happen before the 5pm meltdown. Yesterday was a win. I get another chance today to not drink and build more sober muscle memory.

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      • Try this: Quit for a whole 24 hours. Sometimes that’ll be an hour at a time, maybe a minute at a time… but the 5pm meltdown is in your head…

        This helps me, too: If I don’t pick up today, I won’t ever have to live through what it took to get here ever again. I use that with nicotine a lot. If I smoke today, I’ll have to go through that whole withdrawal cycle all over again. I don’t want anything to do with that! That part SUCKED!

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      • The meltdown is most definitely in my head! Haha But I’m learning that it’s not 5pm that causes it, it’s the little choices during the day that add up & implode at that time. I’m working on defining and strengthening those early in the day choices so I’m not just fighting a full on craving meltdown later.
        I got a full 24 in yesterday, congrats to me!!
        And I have a plan in place to not drink today.

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