WOTY – 2019 CHANGE

Word of the Year:

2015 – Create

2016 – Do-er (Year of Yes)

2017 – Rest

2018 – Permission

2019 – Change

Oh my gosh, I’m so excited!!! I have been plotting and planning this for a month now. I have pages of journal notes and am so excited for the new year that I started this morning!!!

Thanks to Oprah and her old soul series, I heard a woman say she took some time off to rest….It took her 5 years. I think that was one of the most powerful statements in my life. I am an energizer bunny type. Just keep going. Dazzle them with bullshit. Energy creates energy. Faster is better. More efficiency. Streamline. Organize.

These last 5 years I have taken time to focus on what I want, not what others need from me.

Create – was a time that I took ownership back from being a victim. I created spaces in my home that were not leftovers from a divorce. I created phrases that gave me back power – when I bought my house (even though it was purchased together) My children, I am single (not divorced). I started creating my life without alcohol as well.

Do-er – meant getting things done. Not plotting, planning & creating but doing. I also read Shondra Rhimes book Year of Yes. I began to say yes to to new experiences. I truly stretched my limits.

Rest – was a time to slow down and reflect on the direction I wanted to take in my life. I had become my own person and was really owning what that meant. Rest was a time to pause, reevaluate and reflect before pushing forward again.

Permission – was all about freedom. I really looked at the “rules” that I was living by. I set new boundaries for myself which were much less rigid. I failed and succeeded both beyond where I thought I could go.

Change – is going to be about *challenge everything* I’m looking at mostly physical changes such as moving to a new town and taking better care of my appearance. If I find myself saying I need to… I want challenge that thought. I need alcohol to drown out the noise, I need to cover every hour of work, I need to buy whatever so things will be easier.

I’m really putting it out there this year. I’m looking for ways I have limited my thoughts and beliefs. I want to push myself. I want to change.

Christmas Morning In Review

I went back and read all my December posts from the last 5 years. There were a couple I couldn’t even read. Sometimes life is heartbreaking.

But after so many years of pain I sit here (at 55 years old!) having myself a sober Merry Little Christmas.

It’s not too late Scrooge!

Sometimes it feels like I will never get to 100% sober. One of the old posts reminded me of a speaker at a meeting, 10 years sober, 3 years drinking, followed by 18 years sober. Is that a failure or success? Today I choose success. I had a billion hungover Christmas mornings, but not this one.

If I hadn’t attempted to get sober (a billion times!) I wouldn’t be having THIS morning.

I haven’t seen any blog posts of people struggling with their drinking lately. Maybe blogs are out and instagram is in? I see lots of successful people sharing – yah! But if you are like me, a little slow and a little late to the party, hang in there. Words are still better than pictures for me.

Everyday I wake up and the plan is to stay sober just today.

It took me a long time to get here.

Merry Christmas to me.

Is it a Sober Christmas Eve?

Why yes it is! Just poured myself a full sugar no caffeine pop. I didn’t cook for the kids. In fact, I didn’t do anything for the kids all day. It is almost 5pm and already dark here. One is finally showering – oh wait, he said this is his second shower! No wonder my water bill is up. Both played videos all day and I read (C.J.Box – love these books) and played Spider Solitaire and read sober blogs.

No stress except what I chose to make. There have been many many many many Christmas Eve’s that have been bad. Years of fighting, divorce, break-ups, lonely, sick, drunk, nursing, and combine any two or three above.

I bought new Christmas plates this year and every cookie ingredient on the shelves. Didn’t happen.

And oh well. Do you know HOW MUCH WORK IT TAKES TO GET TO OH WELL! It takes a lot. It takes time to really mean it.

Was I sad today? Sure. Was I also happy, mad, bored, yep. I sure wish I had the tools of the internet when I knew my drinking was trouble. Isolation was not my friend.

Staying home today and not get triggered by the stores was a good choice. Not making cookies was a good choice. Writing a blog post at night instead of 5am! Good choice.

My 5th Year Blogging

“Oh what fun it is to write….in a one horse open sleigh…”

‘Tis the season for fun & merriment! What a different person I am from the beginning. So much happier. What was the biggest change? Breaking out of the isolation.

First I began writing in the web instead of on paper. My words found friends. Then I started walking out my door. The first couple times I could just stand on the patio with the dog. I’ll never forget that feeling when I walked off the patio, across the grass and made it to the sidewalk. After the third person waved to me I could barely catch my breath and got back in the house. But I had done it! I got up to 5 minutes standing and walking on the sidewalk in front of my house and then finally made it around the block! I still can’t go in the grocery store here, but a new general store was built and I can go in there so I don’t have to leave town if I need anything.

Next I talked with humans about this sober thing. Face to face took a lot of courage! It still does! but it’s sooooo much easier. Therapy, lots of blogging and self-care all were important tools in learning to not isolate.

After that my Year of Yes made me challenge the uncomfortable. Now I readily say yes to new things! In fact, I may have to rein this one in a bit. I’ve said yes to eating and relaxing just a wee bit too much. I’m uncomfortable in my skin but my head is happy. But what a gift to finally say yes to life.

With my 6th year of blogging coming up I’m in a good place to make some changes. My kids at 19 & 16 are done with the care-taking years. They have cars and that eliminates me having to arrange my schedule around them. Freedom, theirs & mine! is a pretty great thing for my new year.

Staff Get Together

There was a two day meeting for work that I was doing and I invited my staff to join me. Instead of attending “live” I could stream it. I planned a cookie exchange and was providing meals & snacks. And for the first time, I didn’t take anyone’s response or attitude personally!

At least four people acted completely put out that they had to make cookies. “Did I not understand that their lives were SO busy this time of year!” It reminded me of a time when I asked another new mother at daycare if she wanted to have coffee since we both had 1 & 3 year olds. I was hoping to make a friend, but she looked at me in utter horror and said “No!! I am too busy getting ready for Christmas!” Our sons just graduated high school together. They were friends but she and I never found “time” to be friends.

I invited some of my previous staff to join us. One was attending the meeting in person, one was too busy and one came. And I am so glad she did! We jumped instantly back to friends. She embraced the chance to see everyone again.

It was a long two days of tough topics. One girl just got back from vacation the night befor so she didnt come at all. Two of my older staff left at noon to Christmas shop for their grandchildren. One with IBS made it 1&1/4 days. But the rest of us hung in there.

I felt like an observer, watching the different dynamics of the group. In all the excuses for not attending, not making cookies, not bringing cookies, leaving early, boring material etc. etc. I remembered all the times I had been that person. Feeling put out when someone wanted ONE MORE THING FROM ME. Especially at the holidays.

I went to a lot of work to get ready for this meeting. My staff takes care of me all year (yes I pay them to do that!) but they go beyond. I was able to give back a little to them. Lots of food, friends, free training & fun.

For the first time I DIDN’T think – “I went to so much work & they didn’t appreciate it!”

I felt good.

And I just let them feel how they felt.

IT WAS NO REFLECTION ON ME.

What a great gift to myself.

An Old Draft

“Look closely at the present you are constructing. It should look like the future you are dreaming.”

At some point I liked this quote enough to save it as a draft on this blog. I wonder where my head was at? I’m sure it had something to do with drinking or I wouldn’t have left it here!

The quote sure fits with the changes I am making. I have been blessed with a year of few disasters. It was kind of strange. The proverbial ‘other shoe’ never dropped. There were rough moments (teenagers – nuff said) relationship ups & downs, not so sober evenings , work issues, but really just normal life variations.

As a prelude to my WOTY, this quote fits exactly.

I finally found a yoga class LITERALLY 2 blocks from my new office. She had been there the whole time I have been searching, but until I got the new office & started a local FB page, it never showed in any search. I take an amazing Yoga Nidra class and a Gentle Yoga. I am so happy!

After all the drama of buying two offices, losing one to water damage, fighting the system to relocate etc, this year has brought new work friends. Did I even tell you I went to Nashville for work!?! Along with the high school band trip to New York City?!? New friends & travel. I definitely want more of that this coming year.

My relationship ups & downs are finally at a neutral position. We have settled down from the panic of “Do you like me? Are you going to leave me?” into a very low key acceptance of two busy working adults. His favorite quote to me is “You tell me what Mother Nature will *expletive * do and I’ll tell you if I can make plans!!” This used to make me crazy, but after observing his choices rather than judging his choices, I’m much calmer. I have adopted the new buzz phrase, “You do you.”

And then we get to wine. My arch nemesis. After 40 years of go-to behavior it’s still a tough nut to crack. And, like the rest of my year, I have (kind-of) come to peace with it. My perception was once I quit drinking I would be free of it. The place I am reluctantly settling into is, it’s going to be a forever problem. Sober and remaining sober, is going to be a thing. Like being short. Things I can change, like haircolor!! – is not what sober is for me. This issue, well, not really an issue, (like being short is not an issue), is more of an acceptance. (I am not going to get taller.) I am not going to walk away and never think about drinking. I need to get with my alcoholic self and accept that “You do you” phrase. I have an alcoholic side of me. It is only doing what it is meant to do. Change the things I can – haircolor!! And accept the things I can’t. Instead of letting it do pushups in the corner, just letting it rest rather than fighting with it. Being sober is starting to not feel like a battle to be won, it is starting to feel more like living with a best friend. Not participating when “the friend” gets crazy. Just observing and not judging. What is that phrase – disengage with love? That’s my plan for my alcoholic side this year.