I made steak & shrimp Alfredo. I was bringing it out to the farm to share the meal but it had started snowing. It was dark and I couldn’t see well. By the time I got to the end of town (half a mile) I knew I didn’t want to face the country roads and I TURNED AROUND & WENT BACK. That’s not how I usually do things.
I even said to myself, “What if I gave myself permission to turn around?” Doves didn’t release, stars didn’t sparkle brighter, I didn’t even feel a deep sense of relief. I just went back home.
When I got home I just did normal stuff.
I did think, “Wow, I didn’t go see a guy (even though I had seen him 2 hours earlier) I didn’t choose the expectation of a fun night over just making a good decision. That deserves a drink!!”
Seriously. I thought that.
I made a good decision = have a drink to celebrate.
Turning around on a snowy night – No big deal. Turning around when there is an expectation of fun with a man – that’s a big deal.
The men in my life have the, unknown to them, requirement that they are in charge of my self-worth. Poor guys! Yep, I am that clingy girlfriend. Not trusting because of past experiences and rather moody.
Last night I chose more than to turn around. I gave myself permission to be okay when my expectations didn’t get met. I put the food in the fridge. I went on with my night. I gave myself permission to NOT tie my self-worth to someone else. IT WAS HARD.
Adding some feel sorry for myself wine would have thrown fuel on this and I would have ended the night so sad because the kids were gone and we could have had a great evening if only it wasn’t snowing…wah…wah… I would have woken up with swollen eyes and a big headache.
Permission to NOT throw alcohol on this everyday, random, normal life decision. When I think like this, there is no doubt of how deep the addiction is for me and why staying sober is hard work.