Permission To Turn Around

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I made steak & shrimp Alfredo. I was bringing it out to the farm to share the meal but it had started snowing. It was dark and I couldn’t see well. By the time I got to the end of town (half a mile) I knew I didn’t want to face the country roads and I TURNED AROUND & WENT BACK. That’s not how I usually do things.

I even said to myself, “What if I gave myself permission to turn around?” Doves didn’t release, stars didn’t sparkle brighter, I didn’t even feel a deep sense of relief. I just went back home.

When I got home I just did normal stuff.

I did think, “Wow, I didn’t go see a guy (even though I had seen him 2 hours earlier) I didn’t choose the expectation of a fun night over just making a good decision. That deserves a drink!!”

Seriously. I thought that.

I made a good decision = have a drink to celebrate.

Turning around on a snowy night – No big deal. Turning around when there is an expectation of fun with a man – that’s a big deal.

The men in my life have the, unknown to them, requirement that they are in charge of my self-worth. Poor guys! Yep, I am that clingy girlfriend. Not trusting because of past experiences and rather moody.

Last night I chose more than to turn around. I gave myself permission to be okay when my expectations didn’t get met. I put the food in the fridge. I went on with my night. I gave myself permission to NOT tie my self-worth to someone else. IT WAS HARD.

Adding some feel sorry for myself wine would have thrown fuel on this and I would have ended the night so sad because the kids were gone and we could have had a great evening if only it wasn’t snowing…wah…wah… I would have woken up with swollen eyes and a big headache.

Permission to NOT throw alcohol on this everyday, random, normal life decision. When I think like this, there is no doubt of how deep the addiction is for me and why staying sober is hard work.

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No Heat Saga

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Yesterday BOTH offices had no heat, followed by what we thought was a burst pipe. It wasn’t, but I have water damage AGAIN. If you are thinking of calling for a tax appointment. Don’t. Tax preparer freaking out. LOL

Dealt with everything, didn’t judge my food, asked for help, received it, fell asleep watching Robot Chicken Christmas Special at 7:00. Teenager woke me at 7:30 and tucked me in bed. Up for the day at 2am and back to work with space heaters until the new boiler is installed.

No alcohol = No tears & no meltdown

Off to slay more dragons today…..

Morning Permissions

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  • Not to make lists.
  • Listened to the Bubble Hour while keeping the yoga tape on mute.
  • Skipping each 3rd set!!!!! Which I then used the time to:
  • Get on the treadmill (still listening to Bubble Hour) and I programmed in my correct age, weight, time & max speed AND discovered that my walk was doable. It pushed me just enough that I want to do it again!
  • My stomach is a hot mess so I am avoiding fiber. Two saltines and pb was all I could tolerate. I give myself permission to NOT judge my food today.
  • I am moving into a new office and location today. When I picked up the keys last night, there isn’t heat or a locking door. I give myself permission to NOT declare a crisis. Simply keep moving forward.
  • Permission to NOT drink as a solution. I am soooo grateful to not be hungover this morning and moving in below zero temps.

Brain Re-Start

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I sat..and sat…and sat….. And it was all okay. Getting rid of the fuzz in my brain by giving myself permission to NOT drink. I feel back to normal this morning.

I had gotten myself so jacked up with anxiety again.

The drinking usually starts with something good. Then I “accidentally” get a hangover. Then the anxiety ramps up. After about 3 days I’m back at the nightly ritual.

But it’s okay to stop.

Again..and again…and again……..

This has not been a one and done for me.

Sure, I’ve had some bad moments, but no really tough, super story worthy, rock bottom.

I think that also feeds the addiction. Intermittent reinforcement.

Once again, a super smart brain, that knows how to lose weight, stop drinking, create less anxiety, and yet can’t accomplish these things. That disconnect between brain and action.

I did the hard thing first. Admitting. For me, it’s here in the blogs. And oh man is it tough to see people I started with, achieving three years sober. But that is their story to tell.

This is mine.

I have been trying to stop drinking for a long time. My successes have all been after starting to blog about it. My story has changed. Now it’s about staying sober versus getting sober. It feels different to me.

So, this new year is a new start to staying sober. I’m giving myself permission to think of what being successful at staying sober today means to me.

  • No guilt about sitting
  • Lots of water to drink
  • Warm blankets
  • Hot coffee & biscotti
  • Using moisturizer
  • Not achieving a specific goal today

My brain wants to write a list of things to get done at what time. But I’m going to give my tired brain a massage instead. No to-do list. It’s time to rest my brain.