My trip jumped me out of my funk, as well as some good old talk therapy. I had a huge garden and am canning almost every night. The boyfriend and I did another breakup and another get back together. And I am very, very ready to get the boys back to school in two weeks.
I am getting a rhythm to owning my businesses. I will be much better prepared next spring and summer. As the kids go back to school I get to go back to work without guilt. I know how to go to the office, but it had been a long time since I was a stay at home mom. Not having a schedule has been unsettling for me.
All three of us have spent lots of hours in therapy. One for rage, one for anxiety and me for trying to hold everyone together.
Currently I’m having a terrible time staying sober. The part that bothers me the most is I don’t want to work at trying. I want to not drink but it takes so much energy and decision to stay strong. Same with my weight. I have lost control of that too.
If I don’t actively work with my kids, they fall apart. If I take the time and energy for myself, I don’t have it for them. (That’s how it feels. I know the opposite is probably true!) Being a parent to two special needs kids is exhausting. The rules that apply to “normal” parenting don’t apply here.
I have spent more time crying this summer than any other time (Except for divorce & death.) I do feel I am transitioning from an old life to a new one. I think this is where I am so unsettled.
- Both kids in high school. One a senior.
- Buying my businesses. Making the same money but working a lot less.
- Being in a relationship after being single for 15 years.
- Not living in crisis management.
- Debt paid off.
Look at all these positive changes!! I am grateful but nonetheless, it’s change.
I know I am looking for an outside fix to this discomfort.
The guilt I feel not being able to “parent correctly”. My boyfriend feels it too. He has also spent time crying over these kids. He feels he has failed them. He said the amount of time and energy it takes to teach them the smallest thing is exhausting. He wants to be the hero find that magic key. But there isn’t one. For example, it has taken my 18 year old, two years to learn to mow my boyfriend’s yard without help. The trimming that takes 2 1/2 hours, takes my son 12 days.
My 15 year old I thought was happy. But after his diagnosis of severe social anxiety and panic attacks my guilt is really ramped up. He is addicted to video games and has used it as an isolation tool. Now, instead of me thinking he’s happily playing a game, I feel guilty and try to divert him. (Therapist and him are working on it. It isn’t MY job to divert him.) But I feel bad when he doesn’t choose the better path.
And who am I to talk. I choose eating, drinking and over-thinking as my answer. I like to isolate as well. I guess that is one reason I am really looking forward to school starting so that I am not responsible for every minute. Someone else can shoulder the burden for part of the day.
So that has been my summer. Happy, guilty, up, down, crying, therapy and a garden. I know the drinking makes the roller coaster ride worse. What I want though, is to get off the roller coaster. And that isn’t an option. Life happens.