In my family I was the only drinker. The only one who swore, made an inappropriate – that’s what she said!!, forgot to pray before EVERY meal including snacks, didn’t wear a bra at home, spoke loudly instead of a quiet modulated voice kind of rebel. We are talking SERIOUS perfection.
This is not the right wine with the turkey, floral centerpiece, home made pie with lattice crust perfection. This is MORAL perfection.
When I drank they could all shake their heads at me and become even more perfect so their kids wouldn’t turn out like me & mine. We talk now of our favorite TV shows and there is the kind smile and “oh, we started watching that but it just went too far.” The kids are limited in their video time to equal amounts of social interaction time. There are secret rules discussed before coming to my home on how to not let anyone know the rules – just act morally and be a good role model.
When I laugh too loudly, it is met with sighs and a polite smile. The compliments are a little too forced. A kid coming back in the room to thank me awkwardly. I just want to scream at everyone – Just be yourself! Relax! We’re family!
It feels so tight, like if one person (me or my Family Guy loving kids) is left unchecked we will turn this family into heathens of the worst kind.
When I complain to another family member I get “That’s not very Christian of you.” Ugh
I sucked it up this year. Watched what I said, held in my honest laughter, smiled back at the forced smiles, said please and thank you and secretly drank in my bedroom. No – I didn’t. I REALLY DIDN’T. But now I know why I used to.
I just can’t be this perfect. I don’t want to feel guarded when I speak…or eat…or pray.
I am a good girl. Why can’t they see that? And this year I can’t say it’s because of the alcohol. This year I’m a moral failure without an excuse.
Yeah, yeah I hear you guys. I see it. I’m not a moral failure. But I am writing what I’m feeling in order to process it. So there. That’s just the kind of rebel that I am.