I was reading Melody Beattie’s book Finding Your Way Home and this hit me hard yesterday morning.
“Most of the time I would rather stress and stay attached to outcomes. That seems like the logical, practical and only was to go. The problem is that path doesn’t lead the way home. When you surrender you don’t know how things are going to work out.”
I was rather WTF! How can anyone live with that CHAOS! My EVERYTHING depends on OUTCOMES! My job, parenting, grocery shopping…. Usually when something makes me that crazy, it is an issue that needs help.
So, I applied it.
Surrender #1 – The 14 year old had school 7:30 – 3:30. Driving instruction 3:30-5:30. Drinking (lol spell correct) DRIVING classroom 5:30-8:30. No breaks. (This broke my Mommy Heart. My baby won’t eat! He won’t have any decompression time!)
I made him a sack supper and told him to eat at some point (all 97 pounds of him – My baby! He barely turns off the air bag when he sits in front!!) I was brave and told him I wouldn’t be able to help him today, he would need to rely on others to figure his day out.
I gave him the food and surrendered the outcome.
At 8:30 pm he was not dead. Success! Bonus parenting moment – he was chatty and told me about his day.
Surrender #2 – I had finally let go of any hope of being able to have a conversation/face-to-face apology with my friend. I was dead to him. My head and heart wanted some closure.
I decided yesterday that closure was going to be my surrender. (Or my version of closure.)
He walked through the door at work and I said as long as he was there we could finish his taxes. (For farmers we start in December for a March 1st deadline.) He didn’t answer but took off his coat and sat down.
I started working and surrendered the outcome.
I do a new tax return/client/corporation almost every hour, ever day for 4 months straight. (I don’t do as many in the summer but prepare other taxes.) This girl can make conversation & stay professional! And more people tell me that they learn something new every year and almost everyone leaves smiling 🙂 I love my job!
So, I did my job. By the end, he was smiling too and making jokes with the staff. I was brave. I said I would walk him out. I asked him if he was ever going to speak to me again. Loooong pause……finally he said yes. We talked briefly and he said it wasn’t all my fault. And yes we do need to talk sometime. He said he was giving things space because of tax season.
I was completely shocked and had a major headache the rest of the day.
Bonus. I told my 17 year old that we talked. He said he had seen him last week. (Hello?! WTF) He said, “Remember when you told me I stunk and I said I had sore muscles? I was helping out on the farm. Are you mad?” Heavens no, surprised for sure though. My kid went on to tell me that they talked and he was reassured that they would always be friends no matter what happens between Mom & him. (My heart softened. There were forces at work beyond my realm of reality.)
How do I feel this morning? SUPER PROUD of myself for what others call normal parenting. I rocked letting my 14 year old handle his day!
The other issue, woke with a headache, but realized it’s weather related & took a decongestant & feel much better! Once again, I thought I knew FOR SURE it was a stress headache. ONCE AGAIN, my answer was wrong. (Truly – I thank God for taxes that I do control the outcome and there is ONE right answer. I love you math.💟 )
I am not giving too much thought to The Guy right now. The chicken catalog came in the mail yesterday. Before the fight, the 4 of us had planned to have eggs, fresh garden produce and lots of good Iowa sweet corn for sale this summer.
I let myself open the catalog for a quick peek……