Day 144 – Relapse Averted

You will be remembered as the mom who was strong enough to overcome a problem with alcohol. That’s fantastic. That’s who I am too. We rock.

The sad side would be to be known as the alcoholic mom who wasn’t able to stop drinking. Alcoholism and addiction are diseases and there are many many out there who want to stop and never find their way out of their hell.

We are the fortunate ones.

Back in March, Anne of A in Sobriety wrote those words to me. They are so beautiful. They have saved me often during this year. And once again yesterday.

If my only goal was to not drink, I could have done that. (I did do that!) But I am getting greedy in this recovery stuff. I want to create a life that sustains me through whatever comes my way. The good, the bad, the ugly.

I am wanting a place to go in my soul that creates space around emotions.  That lets me back up a little and breathe through it all.

In my favorite yoga video Linda Arkin is smiling and doing a pose and says, “I’m totally relaxed right now.” I am straining and short breathing. She reminds me if I am not relaxed and letting my breath support me, I am reaching too far. I sit up a little and only touch my knee instead of reaching for my ankle. I feel the air flow back in my lungs, a gentle smile forms on my face and my lower belly relaxes back down towards the floor, not trying to climb over that fat roll. She reminds me that some of us “have more body” and sometimes just sitting on the floor is stretch enough. I love her.

I need to back up sometimes and let my breath support me. The absolute amount of thoughts and emotions that overwhelmed me yesterday was crazy, and my head went straight to – Turn It OFF. Here’s what I tried:

• Gardening
• Reading novels, my fourth Liane Moriarty in a row.
• Reviewing my self-help books. Miracles Now by Gabby Bernstein #82 – Don’t dance around the perimeter of your life. The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal – which part feels like the “real”you, the part who wants to drink or the part who doesn’t ( answer: the part who doesn’t feels like the “real” me)
• Pinterest
• Candy Crush
• Not putting on a bra so I wouldn’t leave the house (except when I gardened!)
• Not going to the grocery store where they sell wine here.
• Eating a lot. Getting my belly full. I crave less when I do this.
• Haven’t watched TV all week and watched a couple premiers of my favorite shows. So glad I didn’t watch them during the week now!
• I stayed up late. 8:45 for me. I wanted to be super tired but it didn’t work. I was very nervous about my older son.
• I used my earlobe tapping twice in the night to get back to sleep when my thoughts raced, and it worked twice.
• This morning at In The Rooms I attended a Y12SR online group. I learned that “Those who are best at life, are best at Plan B.”

Plan B. Plan A is drink. Plan B, what a concept.