Day 150 – Still a Mess

Good gravy – I can’t seem to find my way back to easy sobriety. Or in my case, ‘not so hard’ sobriety. I am at Month 5 and it is still tough. I really expected to not think about drinking every night by now. In fact, I have even started worrying about it in the morning too.

Here’s what I have done this week:

• Signed up for The Mindfulness Summit http://themindfulnesssummit.com I have loved the first three speakers and am doing the 31 Day Meditation Challenge that is part of the summit. I have meditated ALL of October so far 😉
• I went back to my old app from SuperBetter https://www.superbetter.com  I haven’t used it in almost two years. My goal then was to exercise more so I would be a writer. SuperWriterGirl! I’m not doing much exercise but through blogging I am writing. I think I will keep this same goal.
• I attended an In The Rooms http://www.intherooms.com live Yoga Recovery meeting. It was an AA/yoga combo meeting. I loved it and made a friend. One thing I like is I could stay hidden. There were men in the group and I’m glad I couldn’t be seen. There were about 35 people and there was time for about 6 shares plus a talk and then some opening and closing yoga. I will definitely be repeating that. I liked it enough that I may try some of the other live meetings. It will give me a chance to see what AA is about, get used to being in a group with men and being able to participate at my own comfort level without people looking at me.
• My Self-Care class is starting to challenge me. This week I have had to get out of my comfort zone and get out of my lazy-boy chair and move. I love learning. Moving is harder. This morning I walked on the treadmill while watching a meditation lecture, then I did a fall yin yoga routine as the sun came up.
• I have learned that I must eat a BIG breakfast and BIG lunch. I spend so much energy in the morning. No more taking a salad to work. I need food that fills me. Salads or soup are perfect for supper though. My evening ice cream splurge is almost over. As lunch gets bigger I am not so cravy at night. I am going to plan my meals differently this week.
• Still reading the same self-help books this week. My favorite is Kelly McGonigal’s (sister to Jane McGonigal of Super Better – see above and both have amazing TED Talks) The Willpower Instinct. My take away this week was about “Future Self”.  I love to plot and plan who I’m going to be. When I am thin I will…Next week when I have more energy I will…. I imagine Future Me as someone different from who I am right now. Well guess what? Future Me is still just like me today. I am no more motivated next week than I will be right now. In terms of sobriety, I imagine myself having a drink and all the wonderful things about that. Pretty glass, perfect outfit, nice whatever. But I know that it isn’t true for me. When  I start to imagine what I would buy to drink and I go right to – it wont be enough. That is what is keeping me from drinking. But that is exactly what I love about this book. She nailed me. I do think Future Me will be better than me right now.

As I settle in to some of my new routines I think I can get back to a place with fewer thoughts of drinking. But maybe that is just what i think Future Me will feel like. I probably just need to sit with thoughts of drinking and let them just be. Not give them power by thinking about acting on them. I better sit here and think about that. Or maybe I should get up and mindfully wash the dishes!!