Day 5 – Up & Down

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I started yesterday strong. I used your suggestions for yoga poses and made up my own routine of what felt right and good. I lightly cried at the end which always happens when I’ve done a meaningful, focused yoga bit. The release of emotion was much needed.

I was grateful to be ultra busy and distracted by work. I actually finished an hour early, but coming home to an extra hour of loneliness and shame sucked. Thankfully a friend’s email came at a really low moment and kept me grounded.

I can feel the sadness ready to take me under this morning. I woke with a giant headache from grinding my teeth. All I can think about is how can I get him to listen to me and hear how profoundly sorry I am. But I can’t. To my knowledge, my drinking has never harmed anyone because I have kept it so hidden. This is overwhelming. But it’s a reality that I must live with the rest of my life. Unreal. 

I could try to Byron Katie this: Is it true? Turn it around. 

  • My drinking has not harmed anyone. True?- yeah, haha, I see that. Obviously my drinking has. Turn Around –  My drinking has harmed others.
  • I ruined a perfect relationship. True? – Perfect…I think probably not. True? – Ruined….don’t truly know yet. Turn Around – I ended a problematic relationship. 

Today: I have to visit my least favorite client. An arrogant, angry man. I need to fill a few candy machines as that business has been neglected, then back to the job by noon. With all that alone time driving this is going to be a tough day. The podcast Yoga Church is my favorite so I will plan to listen to that for healing and distraction from my thoughts.

Tonight: ugh…just the thought of another night of sadness 12 hours from now is horrible. I finished my book and don’t have another lined up. [I just got up and set a reminder on my phone to go to the library this afternoon.] After I post I am going to download three books from the free online library. I have to  be prepared. 

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10 thoughts on “Day 5 – Up & Down

  1. I love how you are loving yourself through this. It works! I went through something similar a few years ago, and my constant thoughts of love and forgiveness toward every one involved brought about the best possible solution. I would not have accepted the solution willingly, but looking back, it was the absolute best possible outcome. The relationship had problems already that I was ignoring. During the deterioration, I quit drinking and walked around a local lake a zillion times. I did not have contact with the other person for three months, but when I finally did, I had moved on mentally and spiritually, and the relationship was no longer my goal. I think we were all healed on some level, and I knew that the relationship was meant to be a passing one. Within a month, I had met my current husband, and the pieces fell in place almost without effort. I could never have foreseen this, given the awful circumstance I was in, but by not clinging to my “failure,” I was open to receiving love from any source, not just limiting myself to the one I thought I wanted. (Of course, this is my interpretation looking back.)
    I hope your aching heart finds peace today. ; )
    xoxo,
    Shawna

    Liked by 4 people

  2. These are major turnarounds!

    Simple statements, but they reflect major changes in thinking.

    I also, while actively drinking, played the “I’m not hurting anyone but myself card.” I isolated. I realize today, though, that by not being present and at my best for the people closest to me, I am hurting them, in some cases, I hurt them deeply.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Yes. Drinking never only harms us. But we are the ones who lose out on so much because of it, and therefore have so much to gain through sobriety.

    Loneliness is tough. I know you are in a smaller town, but perhaps this is the time to reach out and try a meeting. You might be shocked at the love and acceptance you find there. It sounds like that might be just what you need.

    Hugs.

    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

  4. not sure if you enjoy TV at all–but in my early sobriety days comedies got me through the lonely nights. I found myself coming back to 30 rock & Parks and Recreation over and over. They became ‘safe spaces’ and the characters felt like home….again, not sure if that is helpful for you though but thought I would offer! Sending good thoughts–hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Lori,
    Releasing those emotions are okay.
    I cried after my last drinking, time.
    I am so glad you are taking care of yourself, and being busy, is okay.
    Books, tv, computer games, anything right now to give yourself some time to heal.
    xo
    Wendy

    Like

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