I start a few rounds of therapy tomorrow. I reached out for help from my boyfriend, my staff and I cancelled commitments. I drank, I ate, I didn’t drink, I didn’t eat. I’ve had endless stomach upsets, too much chocolate, coffee & Chinese food. I’ve had house showings and that stress caused me to rip an entire $800 blind off the window in a rage. My ceiling collapsed from a roof leak. I have screamed at my kids and my dog. I threw a phone through a door at work. I have cried, I have had several mini panicked breathing attacks. A deer raced out of the ditch (she was texting I told the officer) and wrecked my car. Work is forcing me to travel for 5 days far beyond my comfort zone (my lazy boy) in 2 weeks. I have fallen and I can’t get up.
Other than that I’m fine. Which has been about 10 fine minutes this month….
What I’m telling the therapist, is that I can not complete a crisis before the next one starts. Literally. The rage that this is creating is immense. Yes, I self-medicated with alcohol but it didn’t help. (Surprise!) But I am trying every thing. Drink, no drink. Ice cream, no ice cream. Stay focused, push through, collapse, check out. Talk about it, hide it. Eat loads of hot spicy food, can’t swallow water. Patience, hyper. Isolate at home, work longer hours and not be home at all. I’m wondering what the therapist will see that I am missing.
I am trying. I told friends. I asked for help. But the rage… My boundaries are getting crossed and yet I am saying no. The world is not allowing my no. I am speaking the no. I am putting up my hand and showing no. I am not showing up to prove I mean no. But my no is not accepted. The world has threatened some awful things and what it is trying to get me to do is WRONG. I am supposed to agree to wrong things and I am saying no and it isn’t heard.
I think that should keep the therapist busy for an hour with me.