My April Rage Fail

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I start a few rounds of therapy tomorrow. I reached out for help from my boyfriend, my staff and I cancelled commitments. I drank, I ate, I didn’t drink, I didn’t eat. I’ve  had endless stomach upsets, too much chocolate, coffee & Chinese food. I’ve had house showings and that stress caused me to rip an entire $800 blind off the window in a rage. My ceiling collapsed from a roof leak. I have screamed at my kids and my dog. I threw a phone through a door at work. I have cried, I have had several mini panicked breathing attacks. A deer raced out of the ditch (she was texting I told the officer) and wrecked my car. Work is forcing me to travel for 5 days far beyond my comfort zone (my lazy boy) in 2 weeks. I have fallen and I can’t get up.

Other than that I’m fine. Which has been about 10 fine minutes this month….

What I’m telling the therapist, is that I can not complete a crisis before the next one starts. Literally. The rage that this is creating is immense. Yes, I self-medicated with alcohol but it didn’t help. (Surprise!) But I am trying every thing. Drink, no drink. Ice cream, no ice cream. Stay focused, push through, collapse, check out. Talk about it, hide it. Eat loads of hot spicy food, can’t swallow water. Patience, hyper. Isolate at home, work longer hours and not be home at all. I’m wondering what the therapist will see that I am missing.

I am trying. I told friends. I asked for help. But the rage… My boundaries are getting crossed and yet I am saying no. The world is not allowing my no. I am speaking the no. I am putting up my hand and showing no. I am not showing up to prove I mean no. But my no is not accepted. The world has threatened some awful things and what it is trying to get me to do is WRONG. I am supposed to agree to wrong things and I am saying no and it isn’t heard.

I think that should keep the therapist busy for an hour with me.

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8 thoughts on “My April Rage Fail

  1. mishedup

    oh,, i’m so sorry..this sounds awful and i am glad you’re getting some help.
    these are the times that the serenity prayer helps me….accept the things i cannot change (which means I do plow thru things because , face it, life has things that have to be done), change the things i can (say NO and mean it when i can, or yes and change the dynamic to one i am comfortable with)…and to have the wisdom to know the difference between the 2 (i hate doing taxes, they need to be done, how can i make the doing at least a little easier?)

    breathing, meditating, yoga…those things center me and clear my mind enough to see the differences between must do and don’t have to do, and i attempt to act on that.

    the rage needs to be addressed and i hope the therapist helps. In my experience rage comes from being trapped, no way out of a situation…or at least no way that suits me. it can be worked with, even become a catalyst to get things done, but you do need help to get there.

    sending love and peace.
    and the absolute no shitting you reminder that drinking will not help!
    you know that.
    but i do believe ice cream, can have healing powers….
    xo

    Liked by 3 people

    • Taxes – I can help with that! The rest is hard. I found a great book on the rage issue and it’s totally “A Thing”!! There are definate kinds of rage and steps to fix them. That makes me feel better already. And I really need to get back to some meditation every day. And more ice cream….Thank you 🙂

      Like

  2. Big hug.
    The advice above is spot on.
    I was full of rage when I was drinking. Seething with it.
    Somehow alcohol feeds it. And it does take lots of tears and some time to start to let it out.

    Hug hug hug. If I can support you in any way please let me know.
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi Lori,
    I am so sorry things have been hard for you.
    Like Anne, I was filled with more rage when I was drinking.
    I know when I get so angry to be in a rage, it was because I thought I had been “wronged” or not heard.
    I can’t offer any more advice than Mished said.
    Hugs!
    xo
    wendy

    Like

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