January Challenge

Here are my monthly challenge goals. All very doable & small steps. This addresses one of my yearly goals of getting stuff DONE. The picture room (junk room) hasn’t been tackled in years. I’m getting Christmas put away today & will bring down a box at a time to sort on the dining room table. The shade at work has been neglected for at least 3 years.

Food, Exercise, Health

• Plank for as long as I can daily & record it (so far my all time world record is 30 seconds)
• Weigh myself once a week with a goal of losing 5#
• Turn wine into water!!

Business

• I will bill my clients for my work timely.
• I will ask for help.
• I will order a shade for the front window.

Passion

• Start seeds
• ✔Read a book
• Bake something

Challenge

• Get paperwork caught up
• Start the picture room

(Finally)WOTY “CHALLENGE”

I have not been pushing myself. Way too many poor me stories, cop outs and excuses. Even I am tired of listening to me. I challenge myself to …….

• Not stop at good enough
• Finish stuff dammit!!
• Put more $$$ value on my work
• Lift more weights
• Do the fun stuff now, not next year or when I lose weight or have enough money or enough time or energy blah blah blah

WOTY is Elusive

Just kidding!! I am so stumped this year.

I thought I had it with LESS. Because Less was going to lead to IMPOSSIBLE the next year.

Less stuff – getting ready to sell my house next year (Impossible!)

Less weight – leading to being done losing weight the next year.

Less alcohol – leading to no alcohol the next year.

Less attachments – leading to sell my business and move away from the area the next year.

Then I thought I was copping out and should shoot for IMPOSSIBLE this year! Then I was like, nope. I’m not there. (Plus senior year of high school for my youngest starts this year – not going to move just yet 😉

LESS feels like not trying. IMPOSSIBLE feels, well, impossible.

I thought maybe I should continue CHANGE since I really picked up momentum with that in December. But that’s not right either. I need a fresh new start.

Both words feel a little finite. They feel like a goal rather than an open ended process. Manifestation is such a hot buzzword currently. Maybe that’s why neither word is fitting. They feel like specific manifestations not a place of intention.

When I counsel clients on starting a new business I always (try) to get them to define their exit strategy. How will you know you have acheived your goal? I ask lots of “And then what?….” questions. I can usually tell if a business will succeed or fail based on those answers.

I am going through a time of asking myself these same questions about my life. I have lived in this town almost 25 years. It’s not my space. It is my exes hometown. I chose to raise our children here to stay close to him and his family. An exit strategy needs to happen for me.

I want to try new locations, eat new food, maybe find a partner, but not until my kid graduates. Dream? Prepare? In Limbo? I think this is the sticking point for 2020. A holding pattern.

I don’t want this year to be “just wait” until the kid graduates and I can “start” my new life.

Finally Change

In my Year of Change, there hadn’t apeared to be very much of it. I tried on lots of “changes” but nothing had created that big shift. But I’m finally started to feel it.

I started the year working on getting movement back in my life. I took a big plunge and filled half my yard with a garden. I stepped almost completely back from a relationship. My business moved in a direction I hadn’t anticipated and I ended up earning more praise than I knew what to do with. Two old friends came back into my life when they asked for my help with their businesses. I made new friends as well this year. My kids are talking about and working towards real jobs instead of marking time playing games.

These didn’t feel like much during the year, but looking back I can see why I’m only starting to feel the change now. They were subtle, slow changes.

But this month I have had a change that I feel. I took a big risk for me and did a fitness challenge with TeeTotally Fit. Alison had worked with me earlier in the year designing a very beginner version of stretches & daily movement. Then more strength movements were added. I gardened over the summer but was feeling a bit down with the early winter. Since it was my Year of Change I took a shot at this group.

It reminds me of how blogging used to be for me. Checking in daily, accountability and a plan. The exercises have been hard for me! But I just modify and get it done. I am feeling so much better in my body. ( I know – duh…)

I also finally got up the nerve to battle the health care system AGAIN and fight for an asthma maintenace inhaler. I found a doctor who listened to me and used all the right words with insurance and my almost ten year struggle to breathe easier may be over.

This morning as I did my exercises, my chest did not hurt. But my knees! Holy cow, I hadn’t been able to exercise long enough to know that my knees hurt! Now that I can breathe better I can work on strengthening those muscles.

Slow & subtle isn’t my personality, but my Year of Change sure was. I’m excited to start a new year with a stronger body, better work, good friends and adult children.

Vision Board

When I’m asked if I tried a vision board, I usually respond, “Only if I really want it to happen!” That sounds like a positive, but it can backfire. For example,

• I was bored and wanted my life to change. I got fired.
• I was dreaming big and wanted a new car. I had an accident & totalled my car.
• I wanted a different body & went thru menopause.

As I’m trying on Word of the Year, I’m reminding myself to be precise on not just the concept, but the specifics. If I want to lose weight, I need to clearly write down the steps & goals. I don’t want to lose weight because of an illness.

I am planning to sell my house in the next year or two. My goal needs to be exactly what improvements need to happen instead of “New House”.

I’m excited to see the difference this will make (or maybe I’m just a control freak). Lol

Dilemma

I made a choice yesterday to give away a client. I had discovered that beyond, what I would call general assholiness, he is physically abusive to his wife. The only reason I have stayed with the client, is the girl who works for him. She and I have worked very hard to clean up a bookkeeping mess over the last 5 years. We emailed yesterday personally and she said she realizes how he is abusive to her in the workplace and she suspected his physical abuse at home. I told her I was letting him go.

There is new management at another office so I offered the client to them first. I went to meet them and realized very quickly that they do not have the skills to do the job. They just looked at the dollar sign of this big client.

Now, I am questioning my decision.

Growing up I could never figure out why people or jobs accepted my dad after his abuse. And the same after my ex cheated. I walked away from both and though I forgave for my own sake, never put trust in them again. In town, people just shrugged off and continued to do business with them. I chose not to do business with a contractor after he cheated & left and I watched his wife & girls fall apart. Then recently I came home to my normal contractor, who needed an extra hand, and there was the cheater. I about puked. Granted, this happened over 15 years ago, but it still makes me sick.

I think, after writing this out, that I’m going to have to walk away from all my hard work and let it fall apart. I can’t support that man or his business.

Getting Ready for WOTY

I can’t believe how much I think about my Word of the Year all year long. My yoga teacher always has us “set the intention” for our practice that day. It seems a little whoo whoo to me. And yet….I think that’s exactly what I do with my WOTY. Maybe if my yoga teacher called it a “GOAL” this competitive girl would understand it.

2015 – Create

2016 – Doer- Year of Yes

2017 – Rest

2018 – Permission

2019 – Change

2020 – health, calm, beauty, season, touch, move, surprise, simplicity, challenge, dream….

Summer Malaise

The moment when dry, hot & depression finally gets to me. The simplest of things are so hard to get done. I’m short with my kids who are also feeling the same. Long summer days off but wanting the energy to do more. Just kind of waiting until school starts and things get back on schedule and then regret that I didn’t do more right now.

I ended my relationship that wasn’t giving me back what I put into it. (He only wants to be friends.) It broke my heart to do the right thing for me.

Then a big falling out with the ONE social thing I do. It was that moment when you talk to the person one on one and think you can get it resolved and it goes way in left field. The other person resigned before I did. I was asked to stay so I have tentatively said yes. It was a happy place for me and now it’s just stressful. If it doesn’t relax I will have to walk away for my own peace of mind.

It makes me wonder about myself. Is it me? Is it the heat? Is it lack of schedule? I know in both situations I had to say something. In one I deserve back what I give and in the other I just plain deserve respect.

I am terribly lonely. I wasn’t lonely like this before I started my relationship. Now that I realize how nice it was to have a partner I really want to find that.

And I was enjoying being part of a group and making new friends. Now that just makes me feel alone as I was the only one who said something.

I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m getting too old to find a partner and I’m needing to start downsizing. And I just don’t have the patience anymore to deal with arrogance.

(In balance to this – I have so much that I’m grateful for! And a good 85% of my day is good.) But I needed to put that other crap out there cuz it’s hanging out in my head way too much.

I’m trying to remind myself that when I look back at this time I may not even remember it. It is just part of the journey.

Stress – Now vs 10 years ago

I’m doing the Annie Grace 30 days for fun…(and sober reasons). The lesson today was on resentments and every blog post I read today was too – even quoting the same quotes! Lol

But, as I was working on my resentments and why alcohol doesn’t relax me, I got to thinking about where I was ten years ago….. Before I every tried (seriously) not just the next hungover morning, to quit drinking.

Am I perfectly sober? No.

Am I relaxed & stress free? No

Am I better than I was 10 years ago? Ding, ding ding! Absolutely!!!!

Just trying to get and stay sober has greatly increased my overall well being. As I continue on this path of learning more about myself and drinking, I am taking the time to celebrate each baby step. For some, they were just done drinking. For me – and lots of other people – it’s a longer journey.

My reminder lesson to myself – keep creating new changes to combat the old patterns.

The End is Near…

Crazy busy end of tax season!

This is the first tax season where I am content and not exhausted at the end. I have a new walking buddy arranged as soon as school is out. I have another new friend who gardens. I see why women have girlfriends. I’ve never had many and this is a fun change.

I have quite a few seeds started for my garden and can’t wait to get digging. My new lawn chairs arrived yesterday. My side tables are covered with seed catalogs and gardening magazines.

I’ve worked the last three months with Alison at TeeTotallyFit and am going to start my next three months after these final 11 days of work. It hasn’t been easy trying to do this while working but I’m getting the excuses worked out that keep me from not drinking and not getting off my butt!! I’m feeling more at peace and am looking forward to making more changes.

My Year of Change is slow, but I’m loving the overall happiness it’s bringing.