Puttering Along

Still doing some form of exercise a day and not being hard on myself is feeling pretty good these last couple weeks. Maybe, finally, grasping what “a lifestyle change” means. It’s more a series of small choices than an overhaul. It feels doable rather than overwhelming.

One of my new meds (an allergy med to relieve post nasal drip) makes me sleepy to the point that I’m yawning all day & my eyes get heavy when I drive. (Its once a day so i took it at night and slept great.) The last two nights I haven’t taken it and I was able to get out of bed before the sun came up which felt wonderful. I hate to miss a sunrise. Hopefully my sinuses are dried out so I can stay off of it, which was the long term goal anyways. I like the clear head feeling this morning!

Most of my garden is planted and my bird feeders are full. The neighbor saw 5 Orioles at once yesterday. The orange color is just brilliant. I wish I could watch the birds more often myself, but my neighbors are retired and it’s really for them. They can’t afford the seed anymore so I put the feeders where we both can watch. And everyday he peeks at the garden – he loves walking around it and guessing what I’ve planted.

Another Week Went By

That went fast! I finally got back to my normal summer routine, work Mon & Tues 9-3 and have the office phones forwarded to my cell. One new perk is being able to work from home. Clients can sign & pay online so I was able to get a few more returns wrapped up without having to drive in to the office. Win for them & me, especially when I’m waiting on just one little thing.

I’m feeling amazing! The new meds are great. Emotionally this week, I was super gentle on myself. This was my time to relax & rest and I did. Planted a couple fruit trees and my son found buried treasure – an old spoon and an army man – while digging the holes. Played some candy crush & spider solitaire and cooked a lot of frozen pizza. I didn’t write any to-do lists.

I did yoga class everyday, sometimes twice a day. Got a couple meditations done and I no longer need naps to get through the day. Finally ordered some groceries (ran out of pizza) and dark chocolate treats for myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the future of my business. Do I need two brick & mortar buildings? How many staff? How will clients feel if I do another year of drop off? Can I handle the extra burden if I only re-hire half my staff? They are good thoughts, not OMG what will I do?! thoughts. I can lead the change or I can react.

I want to lead, both in business and in my health. After all, this is my Year of Change. It feels uncomfortable so I know I’m pushing the right buttons.

A Good Weekend

Might not have felt great while I was in it, but from the perspective of a quiet, calm, sober Monday morning I will call the weekend a success.

I’m starting to get some proactive practices in place versus reactive. In the last two weeks I’ve done 16 yoga, garden or exercise sessions. I’ve stuck to a fairly consistent schedule. I started a new med that makes me sleepy so I’ve had excellent sleep.

From a positive reactive place, I’ve done some meditation when I had terrible racing thoughts. I ordered take out & a pop when I just couldn’t pull the morning together to make a lunch. I played yahtzee with my son while eating ice cream to avoid drinking. I ate a big meal to calm cravings. (No need to discuss the negative reactive actions!! Lol)

I cut waaayyy back on my to-do list at home. Just picking one thing that seems most urgent & doing it. Overall, a few things got accomplished, spent time outdoors with my quiet son and woke up with less racing thoughts than normal. That’s good.

Coughing in the Time of Covid

Spent the last two days juggling work & Dr apts at the hospital. Work did not win. I arrived at my Mon apt at 9, almost an hour and a half away from home. Answered the “yes I have cough” and watched the horror on their faces at check in. (Cut the asthmatics a break people!) Ended up back home after four. I thought it was going to be a 15 min apt. Turns out the asthma specialist does what you go to a specialist for – a two hour discussion and every test in the book. Turns out I am allergic to nothing! Which I knew, but Dr wanted to see for himself to verify the battle plan. Basically he upgraded my medicines to things 30 years newer than what I was taking. He gave me his cell number and my own emergency card of prednisone. From now on I call him anytime. I should not have gone thru the last six weeks of struggle trying to battle asthma complications with cold & flu products and outdated antibiotic protocols. Amen.

I have to make one big lifestyle change. I need to exercise. To the point of sweating & breathing hard. Breathing hard = asthma attack, which is why I have to seriously increase my use of the “rescue” inhaler until the new meds kick in – about 20 days. I have been settling for just enough air. Very common with asthmatics. He told me of a world where I will have much more energy because I won’t be scared of no air or getting sick like I did. He also said dropping my BMI even by a little bit, one man went from 425 pounds to 400 pounds, and the asthma gets better. I didn’t totally follow, but the gist of it is adipose tissue releases a chemical that inhibits energy/oxygen in the lungs.

I really threw him off when he asked about alcohol and I said I was an alcoholic. He asked his CAGE questions anyways and I got 3 of 4. He was so confused. He said he had never had someone tell him they were. Everyone he had were in denial and lie or tell him how long they were sober. His first inclination was that if I told him I was, I couldnt be one. He went on with his thoughts about drinking. I just nodded and smiled. Then he stopped and looked at me and said, How can you just calmly tell me this? I said, I have dealt with the shame. If my sharing helps someone that’s great. Then he asked if I had heard of a wonderful woman named Brene Brown? Lol He said I have challenged his whole perception. Then he told me he wasn’t going to put it in my chart so I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I said I didn’t care. I tell all my doctors anyways.

I am starting to see the connections. I knew when I had to drop my asthma medicine because I couldn’t afford it, my weight started creeping up, then I started moving less, and then I couldn’t even walk around the block because my chest hurt so bad. I really did a head trip on myself that it was my fault when it’s a chemical imbalance in the lungs. I have only heard of this as to mental or something like diabetes. Then when he said he has this terrible disease too, I was like, wtf? I most certainly have not treated this as a disease, but as something to be ashamed of – cough shaming. In college, the dorm even asked to move home for a while because my night coughing was so disruptive.

I think this is my asthma rock bottom. The treatment is lots of broncho dilation now and then cut back to a maintenance level. There will be a few weeks of more coughing as I change drugs & my lungs adjust. Coughing in this case, is an adjustment, like your eye learning to wear a contact lens. I have always thrown out the dream of having energy & air. This is going to be an interesting journey.

The weekend

Ugh, what a bust. I just couldn’t keep the good momentum going.

I don’t know if it helps that I know why. I acknowledged my fear and anxiety, I did some good self care, but in the end it took me down.

I have to go to the hospital for tests the next two days. One apt for my lungs and the other for a pelvic ultrasound & 2 biopsies. In a normal world these would feel more routine, but now it put me over the edge.

Also, in taking a break from work, I am now overwhelmed. I can barely face what I need to do. This is one I can’t ask for help with, I have not trained or hired anyone who could replace me. I just have to get back on this horse and ride.

I’m finding myself with the “If only… then I could….” excuses. That victim mentality is creeping in. Poor me…

This too shall pass….It’s so hard to have patience when I have troubled sleep. (And there it is – if only I could sleep, then I could handle stress) I’m cranky and my kids new line is “Are you watching the news & crying again?!” I truly don’t watch too much. First 10 minutes of the local & national news once a day.

And so begins another week of things I can’t control. So I will try not to over control the things I can.

Th-Fri

Got in another 5:30 am yoga. I could only do half of it but at 9:30 I did the chair yoga which is the same stretch/flow just modified and I got it done. As I sat on the edge of the bed and watched the pretzel poses at 5am, I kept picturing myself at the end of May when the session is over, being flexible enough to try them. And then I gave myself a what if – what if at 90, instead of being in the nursing home, (where she zooms chair yoga) what if I’m able to stay in my own home & garden & cut my own toenails & wipe my own butt, all because I continued doing yoga. Folks, that is appealing.

TeeTotally Fit coach Alison found a book 52 Lists for Calm, and thought of me and the joy I find in list making. So, I bought them all. And am doing all 4 at once. And it makes me happy.

Some of my other happy hour activities this week:

• got my Overdrive (library app) restocked with books
• did a coloring page
• decluttered my closet
• played yahtzee, kismet & triple yahtzee with my son.
• planted seeds
• napped in the sun during a zoom work meeting (oops – but best nap ever)

Wednesday Finally

That was two long emotional days. I shared here and on FB. I definitely feel lighter for writing out my frustrations. Now, I’m wondering why it was such a big deal to me! The power of sharing, even if no one reads it.

I have created a schedule for myself with room for 2 hours of movement a day. I’m up to an hour a day easily, this next hour will be a lifestyle adjustment so it will take several weeks to create a new habit. Through all the work and sickness I have changed my focus for the future. I’m investing in my health and happiness.

Alison from TeeTotally Fit is working with me on the harder exercises and the sober happy hour. For accountability I chose to blog.

Tuesday Modifications

I’m already regretting daily blogs! Lol In fact, I’m regretting a lot of my self promises, but for this week I will push myself.

My regular yoga instructor is zooming and offering us unlimited classes this month, so I’ve gotten to try different ways to do yoga. For every single pose or movement she shows a modification. Sometimes I take the nursing home class so it’s wheelchair yoga, there’s kid yoga, 5am HIIT yoga, bedtime yoga, meditation & mantra yoga, to name a few. “Make it your own” “Do what feels good” “This is your practice” are a few of her favorite lines. I can’t wait everyday to see what’s next.

Modification has become my new mantra.

I first got sick 6 weeks ago – before it was scary. I went to the doctor as normal. I have been to the doctor every week. Antibiotic (me in a mask), then antiviral (me & staff in masks), then prednisone & stronger asthma drugs (telehealth call, then another antibiotic (had to go to hospital & staff in full PPE). Because of my severe asthma complications I was put on a 12′ quarantine, so it was pretty pointless to see people. We just got our second case in our county, so it’s not big around here yet. They did a test even though I have not had the correct symptoms and as suspected, came back negative yesterday. Official diagnosis, regular respiratory flu with asthma complications & exhaustion from tax season. I can go back to normal 6′ distancing in 8 days.

When I first got sick I stayed in one office with my son as receptionist (his college job). I kept all my staff at the other. I saw no clients, I only worked on a drop off basis. The next week I had to see clients in both offices and my staff wouldn’t work with me because I was sick. This was right when things were changing. They thought it was funny to tell me to stay away. So, I let them all go. I own the business, I do the work that clients pay for. If I don’t get paid, I can’t pay the staff. By the end of that day, 12 million other owners had done the same thing. We put our friends and family (my own kid included) out of work. It has been hell emotionally. And obviously physically. I locked my office doors and have seen no clients, I work by digital or pick up & delivery drop off.

So, modification….How I stretch, how I do business, even how I no contact order groceries or visit the doctor, it all still works, just in ways I never thought to utilize. I’m leaning in to these new changes.

It’s Monday

First I will start with WHY I’m here…I made a promise to myself to get out of my head and get my thoughts on virtual paper. It’s part of my asking for help and accountability.

Next is WHAT drove me here….(the short story) my health, or rather my not health. The shame of being sick.

Finally is HOW I’m moving forward….lots of yoga, water and rest and a plan that is focused on me. I spent the last few months trying to please staff & clients, which is a good thing, but I did it at the expense of my health.

I recognized too late that clients and staff lashing out were the result of their fear and not my work. I dropped my boundaries (out of my own fears) but by then I was too sick to fix anything.

The RANT…..Today I have to head back in there, even with a fever, and deal with three days of raging phone messages about the stimulus payment. I’m not alone, there have been reports of clients waiting in mobs outside of tax offices because we have locked our doors in fear. We don’t have answers. It’s not my fault that I prepared your tax return correctly. It’s not my fault that they change the PPL form at 1:30 am. Please leave me alone. Don’t tell me that your friend knows more than me. I only deal in facts and law and it is not okay to rewrite the law overnight.

Just writing this gives me anxiety. I am going to spend some time on the yoga mat before I face this day.

And it begins…..

Staff training today and I’m ready. This year tax law didn’t change too much but how we interact with clients through our new appointment software has. My employees aren’t going to like it because it’s “change” but I love it!!

(I don’t have very many on staff anymore, but 2 out of 7 are home sick with pneumonia. Not good.)

For once, I didn’t try to do it all myself. In fact, even the remodeled bathroom is only half painted. I asked for a potluck today instead of trying to please everyone cooking or spending a lot on take out. I left the offices a mess because they like to clean & nest when they come back to work. Really!!

For the first time that I can remember I’m not stressed out. I’m not working for someone else like pre 2016. I’m not enraged by the delayed closing of the purchase of the offices on Dec 27, 2016 (and having to get legal involved.) I’m not dealing with water damage destroying all my equipment and relocation of an office that couldn’t open until Jan 23rd, 2017. I’m not trying to learn & teach tax law changes that literally would change overnight in 2018 (QBID you are a bear).

This year is like a breath of fresh air. Of course it will have its challenges, but I knew that this is how it’s supposed to feel. It’s why I kept going through those hard years, to get to the other side. Way at the beginning of my blog I was so sick. It’s taken a while but I’m healthier & happier than I’ve ever been.